PS: The thought pattern that my identiies are needs was hindering my actual needs from being satisfied while sustaining discomfort from cognitive dissonance thereby.

The brain does not experience pain from past memories. The brain creates discomfort when a thought pattern is held that hinders needs being met while remembering impressions of past experiences where that thought pattern kept needs from being met. This does not mean that one feels pain of past experiences. It means that the brain is trying to influence you to change your thought pattern such that your needs might be met.

You are not experiencing pain from past experiences of not having gotten paid when you wanted to. Your brain is creating discomfort from your holding the thought pattern of thinking you can influence clients to pay you when you want so you don't have to plan while remembering impressions of past experiences of the same thought pattern causing the need of means to not be met to influence you to change your thought pattern such that your need for means are met. Yet you plan to invoice while in Greece and attempt influencing you to pay you while there without which you are not able to pay for hotel in Athens after Antiparos - so you are still holding this thought pattern, hence the currently experienced discomfort from your brain. Alternatively, you would actually have to invoice before leaving next week to yourself feel alright nudging him like 3 times before the weekend while you are in Greece, which is possible to be fair. Starting tomorrow. Working on Meet then.

What else? I am holding the thought pattern that money will come in on museum hype from Peter reaching out to investor like before October (his words) while holding the thought pattern that I need to be autonomous because co-individuals do not exist. My brain is causing me discomfort to influence me to change my thought pattern so I can reach my needs for means without compromise. Alternatively, I can combine working on museum hype with again seeking some smaller projects on upwork again. I am simultaneously autoassessing that I should not try upwork because I have never deliberately gotten work there. Alternatively, I can assess that I have never gotten work because I have never completed my profile nor attached portfolio projects, like museumhype, perhaps. Actually, I could not attach Focus, nor FNDR - I could Tillit, but dated. WRH is okay actually (better than none, though they might contact him). Ukrainian, ain't have much. MathBook+ then - the good one (with screenshots). Fair. So WRH/MathBook+/Museumhype. That's better than nothing. It might make a difference. So, I haven't been not getting work because upwork isn't working, but because I was not. What more, I assess hardship in handling that many clients at once. Alternatively, I can assess that I barely work, otherwise I would not have needed them. Fair.

I am getting discomfort from holding thought pattern that I can continue as normal with work when perceiving that not getting me the stability that I need. So my brain creates discomfort to influence me to change. I have in practice not looked at any 10 year plan for like a week. I need start making efforts. Like actually looking on upwork. To learn that. Have a portfolio. I have never really recruited work like that I want to know how. To have a career.

I would with having an upwork profile have a stream of clients making me independent from any one and their behaviour and also possibly museum hype and possibly ion but I would be independent of any person currently in my life.

I feel good about that. Independence. Much discomfort streaming from not being for very long.

to move. Not to find nonexisting allknowingness: but to learn and adapt for emotional flow.

(Worst thing is we would have gone to restaurants and trips if i adapted to earn and also manners and not waiting and fucked.)

So allknowing impossible while suffering is optional adaptation.

Trite emotions sustained with their memories from unchanged mind!

Changing them releases memories with emotions like Shanghai in London.

to suppress replaying memories of not having gone to Vienna and Eztergom and Szeged and Balaton

by actually changing behaviour by going to Szentendre

to implicitly change thoughts about having wasted Budapest and feeling hurt about that to having exploited Budapest and feeling good about it instead ❤️

Great trip to Szentendre! The H train wasn't going from Batthyany, so I went to Ujbest, and walked over the bridge past Nepliget. It was surprisingly nice and quiet crossing the bridge, looking back at the city - Margrit island, the castle. On the other side, there was a wall covered in graffiti for hundreds of meters, which was pretty cool. I almost headed home once I hit the roads, but discovered I was close to another H station by then, so I got on the train there. Once in Szentendre, I just strolled through the main street - of course called Kossuth Lajos utca. The main square was pretty nice. I took some pics of some Indian couple, and they took this nice pic of me too. The promenade was wonderful! I sat on a nice bench for a while and just chilled. Then of course I needed to have a beer, so I sat down at a nice Greek restaurant. There was a nice local family next to me, which some weird possible Hungarian-American got chatting with, how was going on about all the big companies that he supposedly worked for. Anyways, the fries were nice. I kinda wanna visit the Italian restaurant there with Peter, looking over the water. The train back was nice and relaxing, as the sun had just set. I ended up calling and chatting with my mum for all of trip - it was nice to catch up and hear her voice again. I luckily caught a replacement bus all the way to Batthyany, so the metro got me easily all the way home. I'm so glad I went out into the world and made some new memories of my time here in Budapest.

Instead of reassessing after much counter-evidence and hurt that each functions as their own while able to share minority of their resources,

while sharing anymore leads to loss of self-functioning,

and if believing 2 functions as 1, then thinking the impossible,

since would require allknowingness, which is insane,

so I am happy that me and other people do not know everything about each other, and that we function as individuals, who are generous, up to autonomy, and I appreciate the benefit of functioning such, instead of in under an assessment which is not realisable so hurts.

This is not really a task. But a social world view. That I shall no longer view it as possible that me and another person may consistently believe and want the same things for each other (much like allknowingness is impossible, so is 2 people being allknowing about each other). But rather live as my self and with respect to my needs. And I also want to be generous with my attention, assistance and affection. Majorily. Meaning I will share a lot but never more than half.

I did definitely share more than half of me in the first relationship between me and Peter.

In this new relationship with him, he will have to take care of himself, primarily, and as such will also I, while we share some things and enjoy some experiences together.

I think this is how he lived in our former relationship. So we were not co-dependent, as much as I was emotionally dependent on him. And I'm just catching up to being autonomous around him too.

In the new relationship, we will be 2 autonomous people, who are generous with each other, up to autonomy.

Jeg trodde vi fungerte som én.
Men det fungerte jo ikke.
Jeg trodde lærerene og meg var én.
Men det var vi jo ikke.
Jeg trodde Jonas og jeg var én.
Men det fungerte jo ikke.
Jeg trodde John og jeg var én.
Men det var vi jo ikke.
Jeg trodde Ina og jeg var én.
Men det fungerte jo ikke.
Jeg trodde Erik og jeg var én.
Men det var vi jo ikke.
Jeg trodde familien min og jeg var én.
Men ikke engang vi var det.
Jeg trodde at Bob og jeg var én også.
Men det var vi ei.
Kun jeg kan fungere som meg.
Resten er forsøk på kommunikasjon.

Nude mirrored long session with posturing, stretching and bending.

to suppress replaying memories of not having had intercourse in a while,

by discovering that the same connection felt with my body during sex,

can apparently also be felt through nude mirrored exercise with focus on self.

I walked to Liberty Bridge to check if the ruins of the past bridge was really visible in the shallow water during the drought, as Peter said. But it was not since the sun was setting already. I was calling with and chatting with my dad, which was nice to catch up with about the summer. Afterwards, I strolled on up Bartok, and ended up at Muvhaz. I enjoyed a beer while watching people. And ended up having a decent glass of orange wine too, before heading home.

Amazing movie! I was not expecting anything good. Apparently, it was directed by Olivia Wilde. And Rashida Jones was one of the writers. Penelope Cruz is so crazy beautiful. I was emotionally and intellectually moved which doesn't happen so often with mainstream American movies recently. I loved it! I would watch it again, to be honest.

After checking if lane splits exist.

YAY! 🎉 Jeg sjekket, og fikk klarhet: så lenge arbeidet blir gjort og Mikael er fornøyd. Det virka! Ingenting ille skjedde. Jeg leverer denne uka. For han sjekket. Så kan purre lørdag. Eller dobbelfakturere. Sant. Greit. Ja. JVI.

Need to change assessed behaviour towards autonomy from only using verbal communication to also making acts (changed behaviour) to communicate when uncomfortable. Managed to spend day getting my work done. Progress!

Deliberately calming aroused system down. The radical act is to do something that is not needed.

Det er leie og innbyggeravgift, og hva så? Jeg har ingen planer for høsten. Ingen ambisjoner. Jeg vil ha det. Som sparepenger. Om så lite. Noe jobbe mot. Som er mer enn håndtering. REPLAYING HÅNDTER NÆRMESTE ISTEDEFOR MÅLSETTE OG PLANLEGGE SÅ EKSEKVERE MOT MÅL OM SELVSTYRE I STEDET FOR STYRES AV OMSTENDIGHETER SOM ER EVALUERT FEIL FRAMGANGSMÅTE ETTER DE SISTE 2-3 ÅRENE.

Acting by messaging Bob tonight relieves pain from career-doubt = started!

Acting by taiching tonight relieves pain from work-strain today = Good!

Acting by inquisiting keeps emotional eating at bay relieving pain from self-doubt pain until and sustaining self-love

Mekanisk delaktighet.

Hva er skyld? Å tenke hvordan andre forhindret noe i motsetning til forandre tankesett til inkludere egen delaktighet i forårsaket utløp. Som å tenke hvordan ikke ha dratt til strender med tenke på samtaler med Peter om inntekt og tenke på mine beslutninger om egen inntekt basert på de samtalene i motsetning til akseptere tankesett til inkludere min egen delaktighet (mekanisk) i feilaktig tankesett om at alle forstår og handler som én inkludert at han skulle forstå våre samtaler som nødvendig og handle deretter i stedet for handle som seg selv så dele minoritet som handle for sin grad og sitt deltidsarbeid og sitt prosjekt uten egne ressurser igjen til dele med den tenkte inntektsøkningen for hver av oss slik da ble det ikke mer penger enn de jeg typisk har for oss til reise sammen så da deltok jeg ikke få dratt dit.

Tonight when Peter returns, make effort to clean apartment, and self, being in nice clothes to mark start of new relationship. Practice constraint instead of unconstrainedness. Relate as individudal with relation. Not co-individuals in relationship. Worked nicely! Enjoyed a nice time. Show finale of Ann Droid was so nice together.

Wonderful!

Light.

Financier.

Pain of disabled laptop use, including convenient abuse, deed of learning Cloud terminal for eh.no, deed of learning drop folder from cowork of mh.com into browser window; deed of learning codespace for meet - postponed counter higher; deed of learning mh.rn in cloudspace with expo update.

"Wait - i am assessing that there is still something wrong - and i checked (asked) - without response - meaning - reassess - towards certainty - that it is not about me - we are good ❤️ Moving on. Putting head down. Doing the work. Deserving. Earning. Doubting on the 5th month if continued. Breaking that. Even if was. Not saying. Gave me credentials. Great. Yeah. REFRAME ❤️ Can return to office to. Fixed everything. I can just be with fiu. And be me. And swim. Have friends over. Enjoy my wine. Cook. Do the work. Expand my world. Build things. Augmented intelligence."

Closing selfdoubt arousen in mid-late April. I got better at interrogating. That's massive. Before and for many years I have just ruminated. Now I know this. My reaction was consequence of my assessments. Not of any prior decison. This is how one learns. Pain is teacher. Told me erroneous assessment. So I could blossom. And be happy. Beautiful! Maybe ION too. We'll see. They seem very including. Which is great. I can't wait for taichi again. On like Thursday. It feels so incredibly good. Like a decade waited yawn. Sleep.

I will later on log it as an instance of that depressive allknowingness delusion to remind myself that just understanding it does yet not make the healthier alternative consistently lived. understanding the pattern and living the alternative consistently are two different achievements, and the gap between them isn't a failure either — it's just the normal distance between insight and habit. That gap closing is what all this daily practice is actually for.

Like needing to practice within thought pattern of humility while holding it as true to be it deeply, meaning I will at least for a while and maybe occasionally forever act as if I still thought I had the capacity for allknowingness, and then reasserting humility is key, and will relieve discomfort from acting as if or holding ineffective thought pattern of omniscience.

Acknowledging that not everything can be known mentally but sometimes all might be less cluttered with physical reflection, like seeing body is not in danger.

But in imperfectionism it was great, so much was experiences, so many cuddles were had, Christmas was wonderful, his family was wonderful, he is wonderful, we are great, we host well, everything is awesome, I love myself.

I would with having an upwork profile have a stream of clients making me independent from any one and their behaviour and also possibly museum hype and possibly ion but I would be independent of any person currently in my life.

I feel good about that. Independece. Much discomfort streaming from not being for very long.

Assessed that I could just coast and wait for Peter but that is dependence and just wait for Paul but that is dependence and stay with just Bob but that is same dependence - that is believing that we are one when I am one and they are others. Alternatively, I take care of myself, and I share of my minority with them.

Stop replaying assessment that I can just coast when that has not stably provided me with stable sources of income nor has leaning on others instead of relying on myself and putting myself out there to have a steady stream.

Alternatively, do Peters job on museumhype, like message investors now, and message museums on tiktok. Do it all. Or do it with him. I can do both. Yes. I willl share from minority with Peter. I will gain into my majority on my own. Without constraints.

Added screenshots of MathBook+ to Portfolio on Upwork.com (actually embed screenshot of upwork when this is done).

Added screenshots of MUSEUMhype like from App Store to Portfolio on Upwork.com.

God. Imagine if I had done this years ago. I could have been free. Oh well. At 34-35

Sad. Brain saying no. Stop that. Log articles. See in graph.

Assessed spending time on whims without that resulting needed coins. Reassess spend first on coin getting to relieve pain from that.

Thursday 6 August 2026. Start with Upwork. From somewhere. Coffe at home. Get MathBook+ out. And more. I need this. Then I can do other. First, Meet. Progress. This week good. Might spur payment. Then - museumhype (or in evening).

Tomorrow Thursday 6 August 2026.

Tomorrow Thursday 6 August 2026.

Hva er skyld? Å tenke hvordan andre forhindret noe i motsetning til forandre tankesett til inkludere egen delaktighet i forårsaket utløp. Som at jeg gikk med på signere leiekontrakt med noen jeg ikke kjente tross egne forbehold. Og at jeg sendte han penger tross egne forbehold om at jeg ikke ville. Og at jeg ga slipp på ultimatum om at vi måtte ligge sammen eller åpne opp i april. Og at jeg unvek forespørre Bob om han hadde det bra og så kom det baksmell. Og at jeg spiste og drakk for undertrykke følelser i stedet for undersøke motivene fra behov så jeg måtte kompensere med slanking og alt det der hele sommeren samt var uattraktiv for meg selv og andre i mer en et og et halvt år samt så langt mesteparten av forholdet vårt. Og at jeg forlot byen jeg elska for et sted jeg knapt kjente og kuttet muligheten til returnere som om det var ingenting. Og at jeg obssessed over forbedring hele sommeren i stedet for å gjøre det bra eller i hvert fall samtidig gjøre det ok og nå er alt dritt. Og at jeg ikke fullførte terapi for seks år siden og ei heller fortsatt 1-2 år etter da jeg innså at jeg burde ha eller ei heller 1-2-3 år etter det da jeg innså det samme og så nå sliter jeg fortsatt med følgende av håndtertløst dysfunksjon.